So, I guess I blog when my mind is scattered and my emotions are all over the place. Which of course makes me sound so with it and together right?
Anyways, first off, my meeting today went ok. Still haven't decided what I'm going to do about switching or really what I'm going to do about anything involving this whole divorce thing. Only thing that I do know for sure is that it is for sure going to go down eventually and of course the sooner the better. But because there is nothing simple about this process, I'm going to move at a pace that I'm comfortable with to ensure that I'm making the best decisions for me and my kids. I am not going to give up, give in, or rush into anything.
Apart from that meeting today, I have still been pretty emotional today. Guess I can't be a rock all the time. I have found it serves me well to just let these days come, feel whatever it is I gotta feel, so long as I don't get stuck in one place for too long. Hoping that strategy helps me not to go completely insane.
The main emotion of the day today is anger. I am angry. And the person that I am angry at me.
Angry that I let myself be treated like I'm second best.
Angry that I feel like that's the best that I can hope for.
Angry that I even bothered trying to be more.
Angry that I was DUMB enough to LET my heart be stomped on over and over after all the time and effort it took to heal each time.
There's more, and it goes pretty deep.
Bottom line is that I'm angry, and that today I have berated myself long and hard. I'm determined that history will not repeat itself, that I will not open my heart up again to anyone else in that way.
Part of me hopes I'm wrong.
Part of me wonders if it really is better to be safe than sorry.
And then I get angry for even wanting the companionship of a man at all. Surely I'm better off without all the headaches and heartaches that come along with being tied down. They're all lying jerks anyways - can't trust a one of them, right?
No. Not all. There are some really great men out there.
Now I have a choice. And I have to ask myself -
Do I trust again?
I made it......
4 hours ago
4 comments:
I say yes.
I always remember thinking how unfair it was for someone to assume that I was like somebody else when it came to trust. And obviously, once scorned, twice shy BUT in time your heart will heal and if you're gonna love.. do it all the way - because otherwise you will miss out!
If I were closer I would buy you one of those clown punchy bag thingy's so you could beat the crap out of it with a picture of a certain someone's face on it... just for fun of course ;)
I like the punching bag idea - you should go in for martial arts, very very therapeutic, esp when there's anger :) Bravo for being real and acknowledging your feelings, especially the negative ones. and bravo TWICE for being brave enough to admitting out loud (online) what your real emotions are, and trying to work through them. You're doing great!
I say yes, too. At the right time, with the right guy, opening up again won't be scary, it will be wonderful. And let yourself be angry - try slamming a tennis racket on your bed - I used to find it helpful when i felt like pounding a certain someone...:D
Of course you trust again. After you give yourself time to heal. AND any new guy will have to pass the best friend test and the Joey Bourne test. We've got your back girl.
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