It's Been a Day

Being a mom today has been pretty much... well... rough actually.
I woke up. (I hate it when I have to do that)
I fought with my son for 2 hours about his refusal to go to school
Dropped my daughter off at school, who was ticked that I didn't do her homework for her - nice try sweetheart
Drove to my sons' school to talk to his teacher about not knowing what to do anymore - it was a beautiful pride swallowing moment in which my voice only cracked 3 times trying to hold back the tears at my feeling of helplessness and complete ineptitude
Stopped and bought new runners (I actually needed them, this wasn't retail therapy :) )
Came home and put the boy to work for the rest of the day
Went to a meeting at his school with his two teachers - such awesome people - where they put my worries to rest, time will tell if it worked for the boy
Came home to help my daughter with her counselling homework where she has been asked to draw separate pictures of my ex and I meeting, liking each other, and getting married - all the while trying to seem like its no big deal to remember those things myself

And its only dinner time...
The only thing that's keeping me going is the hope that I can get my lovelies into bed at a decent time, and then head off to the gym to try out those new runners and feel the pain on the treadmill instead of in my head and heart.

But right now they're laughing, playing together downstairs on the Xbox, and I get a moment to breathe.
Man, I love those kids.

Anniversary

It's been a year.
It's been a defining year, full of firsts.
It's been a year of discovering and rediscovering who I am, what I want, and who I want to be.
Right now, in this place, at this time in my life, I'm happy. Happier than I've been, more in tune with who I am than I've been in a very long time.
Thank you to my kids for still being awesome, for trying to understand the unexplainable, and for still loving your imperfect parents.
Thank you to everyone who has been there with me, encouraging, hugging, listening to me cry and yell and laugh and sort things out.
Thank you to all my people who have my back no matter what.
Hugs :)

Ever Wonder Why You're With the One You're With?

Who doesn't ask that question?
How on earth did I get to be so _____ (crazy, lucky, blessed) to end up with a person like you?
Or, how is it that I keep ending up with the same type of person over and over again?
Well, lucky for you and me I found a super cool little exercise to help figure ourselves out.
You'll need paper and a pencil and a few minutes of quiet time to really think clearly.
Trust me and just do it ok?

Picture your childhood home, or the one that you remember most easily. Picture your mother and both the good and not so good memories surrounding her. Do the same for your father, and any other caretakers that were important in your childhood. It is important to think of these people in your child mind set, not the one you currently have.

Now...

1. List several (5+) adjectives that describe the positive characteristics of your caregivers.

2. List several adjectives that describe the negative characteristics of your caretakers.

3. Complete the sentence: What I wanted and needed most as a child was ______.

4. List any recurring childhood frustrations that you had. For example "didn't get listened to" or "no one knew I was hurting" or "had to take care of siblings".

5. List how you responded to these frustrations. This should be how you felt AND your behavioral responses... in other words, what you DID.

6. List your positive memories from childhood. It can be specific, like "that time we ____" or in general like "decorating for Christmas".

7. List the feelings you associate with each memory.

8. Go back to step 1 and 2 and circle 3 adjectives from each list that had the most impact on you.

Now time for inserting and discovery:

I am trying to get a person who is (circled answers from list #2) to always be (circled answers from list #1) so that I can get (#3) and feel (#7). I stop myself from getting this by (#5).

Now ask yourself:

* Does the "I'm trying to get a person who is____" statement describe your partner? Cross out any words that might not quite be a fit, and replace them with other words from your list #2. Do the same for the place list #1 comes into play, and for this one ask yourself if these are things you 'poke/nag' your partner about?

* Reread what you said in the "so I can get___ and feel ___" section. Does this describe the overall feeling you're trying to achieve in your relationship?

* And finally, take a look at the last past about things you do sometimes to stop yourself. Are these typical responses for you when you argue with your partner and run up against conflict?

The overall goal with this exercise is to take a closer look on how you see your partner, what you are trying to get from them, your relationship goals, and how you manipulate the relationship to get what you want.

I did this tonight and what I found out was pretty surprising. I will be writing my answers on my other blog, haven't yet decided if I will actually post it for others to read just yet.

For the record, I found this on the blog http://miss-britt.com/ , a spunky lady going through marriage counselling. She goes into further detail about why this is important and the theories behind it, and where she got it from. I wanted to rewrite this out for my own records and for those who I know could use this but won't blog hop. Many thanks Miss Britt :)

A Fake Word and a Fortune Cookie

Dude!!
I HAVE SERIOUSLY GOT TO LIGHTEN UP!!
I know, I have a lot of crazy crap going on right now but I want to apologize to the 4 people who read this thing. I mean, going back and re-reading is sooo boring and kinda painful. Geez.
I mean, you'd never be able to tell that my life is still pretty great, that I'm happier than I've ever been, that living in my parents place along with some of my siblings and kids is actually super fun, that my hair has never looked cuter, and that I'm way closer driving-time to some of my best friends which pretty much means I get to invite myself over all the time now :)
Yeah, so I'm transitioning, which pretty much means I change my mind on a million different things about the direction my life is going and who I want to be every single day, but oh well!? I'm pretty sure that I'm funner (yeah, I know, whatever) and seem to have it way more together in real life. Well, funner for sure ;) Sorry if you weren't getting that message. I'm good. It's all good. Well mostly good, but you get it :)

Tonight's fortune cookie had 2 fortunes - lucky me :)
1 - Your genuine talent will find it's way to success (wha??)
2 - A fond memory will soon lead to a renewed friendship (looking forward to it! haha)

Not the Girl I Once Was

Confrontation.
Never was a big fan of it.
This year has been literally filled with it. On a very regular basis, I'm confronted with seeing, dealing with someone who has hurt me deeply. The difference between this past year and a whole pile of years leading up to it is that the hope of things getting better one day is gone.
The interesting thing is that before this all went south, I did everything I could to make amends so that we could get to a better place. I buffered consequences, I lied to those not directly involved, I was loyal.
Now the confrontation is different. Instead of hurting and trying to rebuild, there is only tearing down, dividing, opponents where team mates used to be. Its another mindset to adjust to.
I was never very good at the kind of confrontation that involved going head to head against someone else. I'd become flustered, words would escape me, and I'd do about anything to get out of there.
But after being put in that situation time and time again, I've developed a strength that I actually enjoy. I keep my cool, my thoughts are clear, I stand my ground. Perfectly? No. Not yet. But this thing isn't done yet, so there's lots of time and place to get it there.
The way I look at it is that all this is preparing me for something more. Maybe in my career. Maybe just in the rest of my life. Standing calm, unruffled when tensions are very high could serve me well. So bring it on. It's only making me better.

Passionate About Punctuation

Let's look on the lighter side, shall we?

Another little known fact about me: exclamation points bug my life. How odd is that? That I'm irked by punctuation. But it's true. I think it's because when ever they are used, ESPECIALLY in excess, the voice in my head (yeah, whatever - you have one too - like maybe right now perhaps??), anyways, the voice in my head sounds like a 13 year old girl, all spazzy and giggly and shreeky. GROAN! See? Did you see that? One. One exclamation point and you get my intention. One is respectable, two if its a really big deal. But this:
You are soooo super!!!!!!! That was the best time I have ever had in my whole life!!!!!!!!
Catch my drift? Add that many and suddenly I have the urge to throw in a pile of 'Oh my word!'s and half a dozen 'like's.
'Oh my word!!!!!!! Did you, like, see him?!!!!! He was, like, sooooo checking you out!!!!!!! He was all, like, uh huh!!!!! And oh my word!!!! I love grape slurpees!!!!!!!!'
Gag.
I am so not a spaz. Tried it out a couple of times but I kinda wanted to smack myself.
What I am though, is happy. And I love to smile. Which is why I, almost to the point of obsession, use the quirky little side-ways happy faces. Like this :) I use them a lot because I smile a lot, or at least a lot more now than I used to. Anyways, I have a bunch of different smiles. Happy, sarcastic, coy, teasing, interested, shy, playful, I'm sure there's more. Either way, smiling is good in my books, so if I'm actually smiling when I'm writing a txt or facebook message, or even in a note in my kids lunch boxes, I include a :)
So basically !!!!!!! is grating, juvenile, and gives me a headache, while :) is fun, comforting, and enjoyable.
So says me :)

Headed in the Right Direction

AHHH!!! I am so freaking happy right now I can feel myself beaming. I'm almost bouncing up and down. Simply because the counsellor that I took my kids to today is amazing. There's help for them. Someone who has the tools to get them through the crappiest time of their life, as this situation is one that will shape their future. I have always known that I could do this. But the guilt and pressure of knowing that my kids are along on this ride that is also not their fault, without the self awareness and confidence to know that they too will and can survive (and hopefully thrive??), has been weighing on me this whole time. For years actually, because I stayed as long as I did for them. This was not the ending that I wanted for them and had worked so incredibly hard to try to avoid.
Anyways, for the two most important, and special, and favorite people in my life there is help. There is hope. And as their mother, it's an answer to many prayers.